Eurovision 2016: the final

Let's start with the real winners of Eurovision 2016: Mans Zemerlöw en Petra Mede!

Seriously, how fantastic were they?
The banter, the humour, the "coming together", the general naughtiness, ... no need to name it all, they were brilliant.
If there's an international Petra Mede fanclub I want to join. So many highlights: from their cabaret Eurovision explanation

 

to "Love love Peace peace (and a man in a hamsterwheel)", highlighting the fabulousness of Eurovision.

I'd marry them both in a heartbeat.
If I wasn't already married of course.

But yes, there were countries taking part as well, apparently.

My highlights:

- Belgium: *squee*, I was very sceptical about the song beforehand. It was the least bad song in a group of horrible, horrible songs to choose from in Eurosong (the Belgian preselection), but they performed that song for all it was worth. Well done. I still maintain it was stolen from Another One Bites The Dust, but at least that's better than that time we sent that guy singing offkey about his mother.  

- Hungary: Hot Freddie with his badly chosen t-shirt and his nice song. The Sofa was waiting for him to do a Sakis. Alas...  

-  Israel: I can't help it, but I have a soft spot for ballads sung by men dressed in black glittery gloves and shoes. And with the golden shower at the end... Seriously, Hovi! Brilliant. 

- Bulgaria: My crush of the contest: Poli Genova. I didn't even remember she took part before. When I heard, I looked up the year and the song and I found this on my own blog:

Bulgaria 2011

Needless to say, things haven't changed much. Our crush has only intensified as she now sung a fabulous danceable song. How fantastic was that song! I voted for this, because I thought no-one else would (well, with 13 years of Eurovision experience I can safely say my favourites don't always make do well...) and she even ended up in fourth place! Go Poli! Go voting public of Europe!

-  France: simple, but good. And I always enjoy a little language riot at Eurovision.

- Australia: I loved Australia. I really did. What a voice, what a way of belting out that song. Sparkly box, yes. A lot of men's faces in the background (what was that about) and a dress that overpowered the poor girl (but sparkly! Ooh!).
I was already devising plans with my Australian pal about how they'd have to organise the contest in Brussels if they won, heart of Europe and everything, but alas... 

- Russia: Sergey brought a good song, with an amazing act. Perhaps the act overpowered his song, and it did remind us of Heroes (once again), but all in all it definitely deserved its top three place. Sergey also seemed like a nice guy, which doesn't hurt.

- Latvia: He could've dressed up a little. The jeans and leather jacket combo is a bit easy ("yeah, going to the pub, then stopping by Eurovision and then I'll head home") but I really liked the song. 

- Austria: So! Much! Fun! So perky! Alice in Wonderland on acid. 

- Armenia: the beat could've been darker for me, and the performance made the song so much better than it was on CD. 

Honourable mentions:

- The singer from Czech Republic going wild by ... pulling the elastic band from her hair and giving it a shake.
What kind of cheap secretary pornflick did that idea come from? 

At least pull out the windmachine then!

(Did like the song though)

- Poor Serbia's dress. She did not like that thing at all. And who can blame her.  If it's any consolation, at least my wife fancied her.

The worst about Eurovision is indifference... and the minute the songs from the UK, Ireland (in the semi), Spain, Germany (decent song, but the act was OTT that I just didn't hear it anymore) were over, I'd forgotten about them.

I hope Eurovision doesn't lead to Brexit.
Of course it won't.

No one in the UK takes Eurovision seriously.
Or do they?  Ha... 

Not sure what I think of the new voting system. I found the difference between televotes and jury confrontational. Esp regarding Poland. Was it a song that struck a nerve with televoters or did mainly Polish emigrants vote for it? 

And I nearly forgot about the winner!

Ukraine.
Well... I didn't get it.
Liked the beat, liked the overall haunting feel of it, but I didn't like her singing. It didn't move me as much as it moved other people apparently. 

But hey, who's the Ukrainian Petra Mede?

And what will I do for the rest of the year....

 

Eurovision 2016: the semis

I've got a new tactic, it seems.
Not listen to anything (or a lot) beforehand and letting myself be surprised.
It's been my tactic for two years now, though not out of choice, mainly necessity. Or priorities. But it's nice. It's actually nice not to know what's coming, kind of like the rest of the world!
I loved being surprised by Israel's Golden Boy last year. The surprise still makes me happy this year.
And then this year... let's say I was surprised at some of the results.

Seriously, Europe, seriously?

Not letting Greta Salome through with the gloriously haunting "hear them calling" is nothing more or less than a crime against humanity.
How could you?

yes, it might have reminded you of Heroes, but who cares. It didn't stop you from letting "You are the only one" through, did it. 

And then my other gem. My precious: San Marino's Serhat!
How glorious was that?! The suit! The silver-clad ladies! The 80s throwback. Instant Eurovision classic!

But no love for San Marino... now I know I might never be considered the "norm" but honestly!
Have some Serhat. Relive the madness, the gloriousness, the fabulousness that you just didn't appreciate. Shame on you. 

And then my kids' favourite: the man with the wolves.
Now when I say "favourite" this should be taken with a grain of salt. None of the three seem to have inherited the Eurovision gene. We don't understand how this is possible, it must be a statistical anomaly. Perhaps when they're older and they see Eurovision as the key to a night staying up late and eating crisps in front of the telly, the love will grow. (of course that's not blackmail). Any time we try to show them some Eurovision the oldest starts rolling his eyes, and -with him being the oldest and therefor the key example to his brothers- the other two agree with him. Eurovision, apparently, is for girls.
Ha.
He's obviously never taken a close look at the audience.
There's one exception though: "The man with the wolves".
I actually like the song. I do. The boys like wolves. "But why is the wolf sitting there? And why is that man naked? Why is he dressed now? Why is there a baby? Why do you say he's a cylon?"
Hush, child, it's Eurovision, just go with it. 

I would have loved to see Ivan again at the final. If only because my kids can't believe someone with wolves can actually lose a contest.
He had wolves! 
(though perhaps Mans Zemerlow and *his* wolf were a tad more appealing)

I have a weakspot for the Balkan Ballad, everyone knows that. I also have a weak spot for Deen. Everyone also knows that. Oh my little twink of the balkans, shaking his ass to in the disco.
I could write sonnets for him.
Now the little twink is all grown up, lost his hair, grew a beard and acted butch.
And that's all good and well, even if the barb wire imagery is a bit OTT for me. But a rapper? Really? They couldn't have left him in Bosnia&Herzegovina? 

For me those are the ones that were left behind in the semis.
I'd have gladly traded them for say Malta, Georgia (honestly!) or Serbia.
 

Eurovision Grand Final 2015

Ha! You thought I'd gone didn't you. Eurovision fatigue struck hard. Along with "three kids fatigue" and "a job"-fatigue. Not heard a single song beforehand, but thankfully the semis brought back my Eurovision enthusiasm (oh Moldovan latex policewomen, I miss you!!)
Bring on the final!

Slovenia brings us a decent song in headphones. Nothing more, nothing less.  So not a lot of points then.

France has an evil version of Dawn French. The trees have no leaves. It's raining. It's utterly depressing. So is the final score.

Israel is a sofa favourite. He's our golden boy! He's the king of fun for god's sake! He's gonna show us Tel Aviv! The dancing settles it: we LOVE it!

We're pretty sure Estonia sent a serial killer with a guitar, with the female singer as the sociopathic mastermind behind all their schemes. I'm so on to them. Fabulous song though. Scarily distant, but fabulous. 

The UK does something niche-y. That's never a good thing. You'd think they'd know this after 60 years of contests, but apparently they need reminding. It's not that it's bad. It's just not good either. And the lights... urgh, the lights. No.

Armenia. I have one thing to say to you: 

Also nice trees. 

Apparently the artists from Lithuania took quite a risk with their same sex snogging. I don't know if that's true, but if it is: kudos to them. As it is, this is an ok-ish song (bad outfits) about what appears to be bisexual polygamists. Nice one. 

Second sofa favourite is Serbia. The wife actually thinks this is really good, though that might be the Marija Serifovic factor. I start loving it when the beat starts and the singer goes crazy. Way to go girl! Incredible retro 90s staging with the flags and the masks and -gulps- even the sign language! AND the dramatic clothes reveal! What a flashback. 

There's a lot of white for Norway. And Merida from Brave. That's all I remember.

Ah, Sweden. "Quite possibly brilliant" is all I wrote on my scorecard. Because it was. A song you can't get out of your head, fantastic act. A deserved winner if you ask me. Though I'm not sure the Swedes are happy at the task of having to organise the contest once again.  Hey, can we get Petra Mede again? And I for one wouldn't mind the funny interval thingies again. Doesn't matter if they're the same, who will remember?

I suppose Cyprus brings us quality. Apparently that's a pseudonym for boring. 

You'd never have guessed it the first 100 times they were mentioned, but Australia's also taking part.  Now I was sceptical about this, as it's a EUROvision (with Israel and Azerbaijan) song contest (and we never win as it is, let alone if we invite some 70 other countries to the party), but anyway. I love the Aussies, they love the Eurovision, so why not. If they're crazy enough to get up at/stay up till 3am to watch the damned thing, good for them. But really, Australia? 60 years you've been waiting and *this* is the best you could come up with? I'm pretty sure there wasn't even a wind machine! No flags! No-one dressed in white! No ballerinas coming out of pianos! Just lamp posts and fist pumping. And a decent song.  I'm disappointed in you.
But happy you didn't manage to knock us of fourth place!

And there we were: Belgium. Love it or hate it. I loved it.  I really did. I loved the staging, I loved what he did. Kudos to Loic Nottet, to manage that at 19. Super proud!  From now on we're only sending Walloons to Eurovision!!

Apparently Austria set their piano on fire. That's all I remember about that song. Bleh. 

After that things went pretty quickly, because even for me 27 songs is too bloody much: 

Greece and the cleavage that ran all the way to her thighs. (also all I remember about the song)

Balkan! Balkan! Balkan! Montenegro brings us the BBB (Bombastic Balkan Ballad) of the evening. For which I thank them. Even though the outfit was very reminiscent of bad child magician. 

Germany was not bad. Apparently that means you get 0 points...  Then there was Poland ("meh"), Latvia ("ooh. Special in a scary way.") and Romania, with an astounding lack of wind machine.

Some enthusiasm on the sofa for Spain's little red riding hood with her muscular Loreen-esque shirtless wolf. Especially the shirtless part was well received. Finally some wind machine! 

Hungary reminds us that war is BAD. In case we didn't know. Hilariously followed by Georgia, who sent a goth vampire WARRIOR reminding us that they're taking no-one's crap and they'll gladly start a fucking war if you dare cross them. Only at Eurovision!  And as we're on the topic of wars, there was Russia (yes, I know Azerbaijan was there as well, but then I'd be interrupting my own flow - short version of Az: I preferred him when he was that angel to the other guy's devil back in what... 2009?), so yes, Russia singing a bloody good song incredibly well about peace and love and understanding. At least I think that's what it was about as she was dressed in white and looked very earnest.
I thought they were going to win. If I'm honest, it would have been interesting to see how the EBU was going to tackle the organisation there. Or the Russians themselves. Good song, great singer. She looked terrified though. And yes, booing is not done. It's not professional, she's not Putin. 
I may be the only one, but I loved the Russian spokesperson's joke (or was it a joke...? ;-)) about awarding themselves the 12 points. If only because we'd made that same joke three minutes before. Ha!

I was completely numb by the time we got to Albania ("whatever") and all I can say about Italy is; really? People like this crap? Really? Urgh. So glad this didn't win. Long live the jury system! They looked like three cute babydykes, but apart from that... no. Just no.

And then Conchita Wurst came on and reminded us why she's the Queen of Eurovision. For possibly the first time in Eurovision history, the old winner promoting their new song was NOT cringeworthy but actually very entertaining. 
I'd buy that album!
I wouldn't have minded had she won again. 

A lot (LOT) of voting later Sweden won. Yay! Apparently it was close but I think I need a bigger TV because I can't make out the numbers that well as there are so many damned countries on that board they have chosen the smallest font size.
Belgium came fourth! Double yay! (though it would have been better had Our Eurovision Queen André Vermeulen not said beforehand that we were going to win. Anyways....)
And China might take part next year! Ya..... What???

Small tip to the EBU: less participants in the finals and how about investing in Asiavision or something? Not everything has to be huge. Sometimes less is more.
Unless of course we're talking about wind machines or that Austrian stage! (Wow!) In that case: more is more.

Can't wait for next year! Bring on Petra Mede!
And bring on Brussels 2017! 
(or well... sometime in my lifetime please)

Nerdy Eurovision Stuff

http://www.escinsight.com/2014/05/13/split-views-between-the-jury-and-the-public-votes-at-eurovision-2014/

I love nerdy Eurovision stuff.
And John P Egan. 

I'm glad the jury system is in place. 5 people is hardly representative and I'd like the number to be bigger, but still, for me you at least get a "more fair" result. Where songs are based more on merit and not just on the televoters' heritage.  It's normal that people will vote for their country of origin or their neighbouring countries, because they often know the songs and singers, and because there's a sense of cultural pride. But in all honesty, those songs aren't always the songs they like the best. In my opinion the juries balance that out.

In the Belgian televote Armenia would have won. It was a good song, but I'm pretty sure over 90% of the televoters were from Armenian origin. I wouldn't have voted it so low as the jury did, but that's where personal taste comes in I suppose.   
And Poland seems to be "punished" by the jury system. But then, if we're being honest, how many televoters voted for the song and how many for the ladies' erm...milk churning abilities?

It'll never be perfect, but I'm glad the jury system is in place.

Thoughts on Eurovision 2014

I’ve always believed Eurovision was a good thing for gay rights in Europe. A good thing because, if you want to take part, you have to show the whole contest. You can’t censor anything, not even the blatant homosexual innuendos or .. well, blatant homosexuals and their rainbow flags. And when there’s a law against “homosexual propaganda” in Russia, the fact that they have to show Eurovision makes me pretty happy. After all, it doesn’t get more “homosexual propaganda” than Eurovision!

I find myself wanting to be careful not to draw too many optimistic conclusions about Conchita Wurst (and Austria) winning, but then it’s hard not to. 

 While I think Sweden’s song was better, Austria’s performance knocked it out of the park. She made that song THE number one song. The song to beat. And if she’d been a woman or perhaps even a drag queen without a beard (meaning you can “forget” there’s a man underneath the wig and the dress and the boobies) I would have been a lot more confident that she’d win it. But she wasn’t. Here was someone who’s obviously not a woman, who’s obviously a bit queer, winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

And people from countries where GLTBQ people have little or no rights, voted for her.  The juries didn’t always, but the televoters did. Less so than in western Europe, but still, they did vote for her.
Fuck you, backwards lawmakers.
You’ve been given the finger by your own people.

But of course Eurovision isn’t political….  Still, I can’t help but hope that for GLBTQ people in countries where the lawmakers (and perhaps popular opinion) still haven’t gotten their heads out of their collective arses, this win can mean something.  Whether it’s showing them they’ve got our support, they’re not alone (ooh! Armenia!), or that eventually, things get better everywhere, I don’t know. But I hope so. 

And I can’t help but think especially of GLBTQ people in Russia. The booing was over the top. It was unnecessary and it was rude. If I were Russia I would have told Europe  to stuff it and gone back home. The booing was not against the Russian people, it was against their leader.
Still, as I said, it was rude and it was not the place to do that. Rainbow flags yes, booing no. After all, it’s not the Russian people who are narrowminded idiots, it’s Putin. There’s a difference. 

And then there’s the other results. 

- It seems to me like you need a lot of luck in the running order, when you’re sending a “good, but not winning” song. No, the UK, Europe (“the rest of”) doesn’t hate you.  I just don’t think the last spot is such a coveted spot anymore (Ireland last year?), the contest just takes too long. If they cut down on the number of songs in the final, then yeah, maybe. But for now I think people have overdosed on the number of feathers, wind machine, glitter and craziness by the time we reach song number 26. I honestly think had you switched Spain and the UK’s running order, the result would have been switched as well. 

-Long live the jury/televote split! While you can still predict the 12s in certain countries, at least you can’t predict the top 10 anymore. 

- Had France been in the Balkan they would not have been last. It seems like being part of a voting bloc doesn’t so much make the difference between winning or losing, but when you send an average song it means the difference between a meagre two points or at least 9 or 32 points.

- And for my own country, Belgium must have been in a state of collective hysteria when selecting “Mother” as our entry. What happened? We were all so sure it was going to do well. Yes, I knew it was overly sentimental and bombastic, but I’ve never seen the fault in that, personally, it’s my thing! So what was it? Was it just the least bad song in a bad selection to choose from? Was it the fact that we got collective goose bumps when Axel Hirsoux sang in the preselections?  (he sang a lot better in the Belgian selection than in the semi) Or did we underestimate the creep-factor in singing about your mother? Any insight would be welcome.

 

We are unstoppable - Eurovision 2014 Final

Oh dear.
Oh my god.
What happened yesterday?!

Let’s start at the very beginning… (since we’re going to Austria next year, it’s never been a better time to quote the Von Trapp family. I wonder if that’ll be the theme of the show?! Hm… maybe not… let’s not mention… anyway!)

As if the show won’t take forever already, they decide to make it even longer by introducing the contestants by name and having them parade around behind their flag. All 26 of them. Seriously, Denmark? Seriously?  26 songs, 37 countries voting, all the in-between fillers, the inevitable televoting problems and you thought “We simply must find something to make this show longer! If we don’t it might be over at a reasonable time, before people have grown sick of it and the UK finishes at a low place again since they’re last to perform”

But hey, no-one asked for my advice.

Obviously. 

Finally, contestant number one has a go and it’s the Ukraine where a girl sings something poppy while a guy runs around in a hamster wheel behind her. A typical Saturday evening in the Ukraine, apparently. Generally a good idea to start looking for new ways to produce energy when you’re having a tiff with Russia.  -6^th

Then we’re on to “How The Fuck Did They Get Through”-Belarus and when we get to the points we see that only eastern European countries (and Israel) give them any points. So that must be how. Sorry, I don’t want to start about bloc-voting already (it’s going to happen inevitably, but I generally give it more time) but I absolutely hated that song. “Not a happy song” our commentator says “as it’s about a relationship going wrong”. Sure. Horrifyingly painful topic. Unlike that Hungarian song about child abuse. -16th

Azerbaijan is boring. Despite the trapeze. Their first time out of the top ten. -22^nd

Ah, the Teletubbies from Iceland. Always putting a smile on my face. The Blonde Ricky Gervais singing about prejudice probably has Putin cowering in fear. “I think one of these is a politician in Iceland” Recently-Been-On-Holiday-To-Iceland-sofamember goes. I wouldn’t be surprised. The Icelandic know how important this contest is.  -15^th

And there goes the happy atmosphere with Norway. Seriously, I’m worried about that guy. You have to let it out, Carl, this isn’t healthy. “Norway must be a pretty depressing country… always dark and cold. Probably rains a lot there”. We feel for the Norwegians! In all honesty, if this entry had had the Netherlands’ spot and vice versa, I think they would have been higher up there on the scoreboard. Depressing as it may be, this was a very good song. -8^th

Romania is loud and shouty and ideal for a drunken party, but this isn’t a party, this is Eurovision. (er… let me read that again…) Crazy Eyes and RaiUno girl manage a 12^th place though. 

Armenia is dressed like Spike, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he sings off key but yes, the last minute of the song is good. “Mordor in the back ground!” someone goes. -4^th (could this have been their first win if it hadn’t been for the jury system? I’ll let someone with a lot more time figure that out for me)

I’m starting to think there are factories all over ex-yugoslavia (I know, you guys must probably hate me calling it that, but naming all the countries is going to take forever and I have to take advantage of this small window of time while all three kids are napping, alright?) that grow singers for Balkan Ballads. Montenegro’s Sergej looks like almost every other male singer the Balkan has sent and sounds the same as well. Well, apart from Dino Merlin. “Finally someone utilizes the floor!” the sofa goes. Thankfully their iceskater isn’t wearing real skates, that would have been expensive to repair. Nice, but a tad boring. -18^th

 

Hooters from Poland. It may (or may not) be meant as irony, but if it is, it sure doesn’t come across well. This old fart is getting terribly uncomfortable watching the milk churning and laundry happening on stage. Some things should be left in private. Like milk churning. And laundry. The Wife is shocked when the lead singer pulls something from under her skirt and starts waving it about. “Are those her knickers?!”. It appeared to be a Polish handkerchief, but it was an honest mistake to make. Oh boy, I am not looking forward to watching this kind of stuff with my sons in 10 years time! -14^th

 

Greece makes the homosexuals jump up and down and knows how to throw a party. Is it quality? No. Is it fun? Hell yeah. Especially the singer’s clumsy attempts at jumping on the trampoline. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I would be jumping on there. Clumsy. Terrified. “Why the fuck did I agree to this?” -20^{th    (}pretty sure they’d have done much better with a later spot in the show)

And then there’s Austria. I’ll leave the social commentary to another post, this is all I’ve written down on my scorecard: “genius”. She killed it. With or without the beard. She took a decent ballad, sung it incredibly well and performed with emotion.  – winner.

Germany was my prediction for last place. Not because it was a bad song, but well… what could you say about it. “Average” is what most of us said or thought, bland. And average (not bad, but not brilliant either) usually ends up with null points.  Especially when you’re in the middle of the show. But they surprised us all and ended up 18^th.

Sweden. Oh Sweden. “This is how it’s done, peasants” I said about you in the semi. And you showed us again. As far as songs go, this was my favourite.  Better than Austria’s. Both sung fantastically, both equally stunning visually. But for me, the performance was where Austria won. “Ice Queen” I wrote down. The emotions didn’t come across as well as they should have, you didn’t move me as much as I thought you would. “Of course not, she’s trapped in a ice palace!” the sofa proclaimed. Sanna, you were glorious. Glorious. My favourite song on the CD. And you did fabulously. -3^rd.   

“Should France really try humour?” I asked beforehand. “Yes!” I proclaimed, after having seen their video. “No” I have to admit, after seeing this performance. “The lyrics are sarcastic!” I tried “It’s a critique of society!”. But I couldn’t even convince myself. I love this on the CD, but performance-wise the last spot was er… spot on. (that’s the level of humour they’ve reduced me to)  -26^th

 

Russia. Russia. You brought a boring yet decent pop song, sung boringly decent. Should you have been booed? No. Whatever or whoever those girls might represent, they’re there singing a song. It’s not sportsmanlike to boo them every time they get points. And they deserved some points. Did they get too many due to bloc voting? Yes. Absolutely. Is that their fault? No. Are they responsible for anti-gay crimes in Russia? No. (well, not that I know of) Did they personally annex Crimea? Nope, I don’t think so, they’ll have been too busy preparing for the contest! Whatever anyone might think of Russian politics, the Russian people aren’t the enemy.  Still, we were a bit bored. And started thinking of ways Poland would have performed this song. Never a good thing. (And yay! Rainbowflag!) -7^th

 

Italy showed us what would have happened had the Romans entered Eurovision. A centurion clothes reveal! Too much white and too much gold, we wrote down. Yes. Read that again. Too much white. Who’d have thought that was possible?  And if the gays had just recovered from the Polish boobs, they now had to face Italy’s knickers. Poor boys! Loved this song beforehand, bit underwhelmed last night. -21^st

 

My wife is a nerd. “This is my favourite flag!” she went. Because in the postcard they make the flag with books. Must be why I love her.. . But about Slovenia. I love Slovenia. Might be my favourite Balkan country. Liked the song. Bit oldfashioned. Bit forgettable. -25^th. Only reason it ended above France is thanks to its neighbours. 

Finland brings us a Keane/Coldplay cover band dressed in aluminum foil. Is it bad? Not at all. But… well, what are we meant to do with it? The audience of gays are staring ahead unmoving. Where’s the camp of it all? -11^th

 

Ah, Spain. 7 people came to this blog (yes, 7!) all the way from Spain because I’d said this wasn’t bad. I was thrilled with the visits, as generally it’s just my wife and friends reading this crap. So thank you Spain! But what am I meant to say now? Let’s say she got off to a shaky start… you could tell she was a great singer, but the start was pretty off key. She picked herself up again, but the damage was done I thought. “There’s not much dancing going on in the rain” my wife complained. And there wasn’t. Nor were they wearing something see-through (“If Poland had been singing this song…”) but the styling was great. I was glad they got a decent result -10^th

 

And then my dear Sebalter from Switzerland. I was just about to adopt you , your friends and all your instruments, and I still would, but what happened between the semi and now? Sebalter sounded hoarse and the amount of energy that had been there on Thursday just wasn’t there today. Still love the song, obviously, but I was a bit underwhelmed. No hard feelings though, Sebalter. A sofamate voted for you (though our 5-person-national jury didn’t, so… that’s 50 cents down the drain!) – 13^th

Hungary might not have been singing about not wanting to be called “Cheesecake” by his girlfriend, but this also wasn’t a very happy song, was it Belgian commentator.  A good song, yes., but the lyrics made me terribly uncomfortable. I don’t want to repeat myself and maybe I should see it as groundbreaking, but I don’t want to hear graphic songs about any horrible subject. I prefer hidden depths, the meanings behind the meanings… it’s just me. And I can’t sing along with “daddy, please leave me alone”. I can’t. especially not when there’s an up tempo dance bit afterwards. Turns out I’m in the minority though. 5^th

Folky Malta had my dad picking up his mobile phone and voting for them! Not that it did much good, but still if you’re from Malta, know my dad voted for you. Malta probably holds the record for Most Playbacked Instruments in the history of Eurovision. The drummer alone managed to fake playing three instruments! That’s a skill! -23^rd

Denmark brings us a cliché love song, as they promised, and for a few horrible moments I think this is going to win. It’s quirky, I’m pretty much alone in my hatred of it on the sofa and it’s performed well by a bunch of happy looking young folk. Who can hate that? Apart from me ( it’s the scatting, I can’t get over it). My fears of it winning are ungrounded however. Thankfully. -9^th. 

The Netherlands suddenly became the dark horse of this competition. When they drew this slot I knew they could be going for gold. It’s a good song, sung well, very different from all the rest and it’s in prime position for a good result. And ‘lo and behold… I think the second place is partly due to their spot, but they would have been top five either way. A good album track, a bit boring, but good. And thanks to the Texas twang no Dutch accents! Hurray! -2^nd. 

“Ah, so thàt was San Marino!”Apart from my shock when this got through, I couldn’t remember this song for the life of me. “Perhaps they’re intentionally going for retro” the sofa thinks, because what other explanation could there be for the horrible mermaid fan thing going on behind poor Valentina. Whether she’s singing The LoveBoat or the start of a detective show, we’re not sure. What we do know is that Valentina is probably glued to that pumice she’s standing on as she’s not moving an inch. That, or she’s a real mermaid. -24^th

And I think for the general public the contest was over after the Dutch performance, for is anyone still awake when poor Molly from the United Kingdom comes on?  We are, but we’re the idiots sitting there with scorecards and flags and homemade Conchita cookies and flag cupcakes. We’re not the general public. Molly is wearing a hairy dress and something centurion like. She must have shared a dressing room with Italy. And much as I loved this song beforehand, I’m –again- underwhelmed by the performance. Vocally she doesn’t seem to be all there and it lacks the power I’d hoped it would have. It should have ended higher than it did, but dear lord, UK, Europe (normally you should add the prefix “the rest of” to “Europe” but you often tend to leave that out…) doesn’t hate you. If they hated you, you’d have been booed like those poor twins, because apparently no-one has manners anymore. -17^th.

And then there’s a bunch of unfunny stuff (sorry Evil Petit Pilou, but I say “bring back Petra Mede”!) and for a while it seems like we’re going to Hungary and then the Netherlands nearly get it and there’s Sweden but… La Wurst wins it!!!
And she gives the best speech ever. “This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are. We are unity. And we are unstoppable.” And then she lifts that ugly glass trophy in the air like she just won a boxing match. A true queen!

How beautiful is that? 

So Austria next year! Lederhosen? Edelweiss? Ein Schloß am Wörthersee? Kommissar Rex? Mountains? Who knows! If there’s anyone willing to take me  (and the sofa) with them though, be sure to let me know!